It’s E3 season and it wouldn’t be the same without some leaks. We’ve managed to get some notes on the key conferences for E3 2019 and let me tell you, it ain’t pretty (or real).
EA
EA is better than E3 so they’re again kicking off proceedings with their own show – EA Play.
Andrew Wilson takes to the stage.
“Hello, Guys! We do this for you, the gamer, and this year is no different. It’s literally no different. We’ve got fuck all coming out.”
“Anthem was a shit show. That was our bad. And to prevent that from happening again we’re sticking to what we know. Sports games. We’ve just about milked the Star Wars cash cow to death and we’ll flick its last excretion your way at the end of the year.”
“But we know that gamers love sport and that’s why we’re as committed as ever to bring the best sports games to your living rooms. There’s an unsung hero in sports which seldom gets the recognition it deserves. It’s not the player, it’s not the sport itself, it’s the pitch. That’s right, both Fifa and Madden will be releasing with a whole new from the ground grass engine.”
“Never before has grass looked so real. It will react to your player’s movements in hyper-realistic ways and we can’t wait for you to witness this firsthand on the show floor later on today. One guy played this earlier and actually cried because it was just that lush. But don’t worry. This overhaul of grass technology won’t overshadow the games that you love to play. We’re as committed as ever to ensure that both Fifa and Madden are the exact same experience that you played last year.”
“We were shocked to find out that you guys didn’t like loot boxes. What’s not to like? It’s a virtual Kinder egg. Anyway, regardless of how wrong you are we’re dedicated to keeping them from our game. We have, however, been keeping an eye on Fortnite and the incredible things it’s done with Battle Pass. Battle Pass is a great way to introduce extra content into a game for a small nominal fee and we think it fits perfectly with our companies message. That’s why from here on we’re dedicated to including Battle Pass with every one of our games. Never has there been more choice for a consumer. You can purchase the same full-priced game as you always have but if you want to unlock additional content you can do so. Extra levels, characters, gameplay, all at a low-monthly-cost of £7.99.”
“But that’s not all! It’s the 25th anniversary of Need for Speed and we can confirm a new game is coming. But it’s not in a great state to show you so we’ve not brought it along. Don’t let that put you off, though. When have we ever pushed something unfinished out of our doors?”
“And that’s it! Have a great EA Play, guys, and don’t forget to check out that sweet grass!”
Xbox
Phil takes to the stage holding something draped in a black cloth to the backing of Billie Piper’s smash, and arguably only, hit ‘Because We Want To’.
“It’s fair to say we dropped a bollock with the Xbox One – thanks, Don, you cu- *mic cuts out* – and here it is! The Xbox One-Two. The Xbox One-Two comes pre-loaded with every Xbox, Xbox 360 and Xbox One Game. Guys, we need to sell some fucking consoles so please buy this. It’s a tenner!”
“As you’ve seen, we’ve acquired pretty much every studio in America – bitch got bills! We’ve done this to ensure that we a) have no competition and b) can actually make some damn games! And boy does the Xbox One-Two have some games.”
“As ever, we’re dedicated to bringing an incredibly diverse range of titles to the Xbox One-Two and I’d like to start by sharing some of these with you now.”
*Play showreel announcing of three new Gears games, three new Forza games and two new Halo games.*
“Wow! So much innovation. Thank you.”
“But it’s not just about our first-party games. We also want to make sure that third-party games play best on Xbox One-Two. Today we announce that the Xbox One-Two has 40 teraflops of power. Some say that’s too much. Some say we’re overcompensating. I say ‘wait and see’.”
*Play showreel of world premieres*
“Let’s face it, these are the equivalent of dropping a “first” comment on a newly posted article. And of course, they’re World Premiere’s, we’re the first to bloody show anything at E3!”
“Remember Scalebound?! Yeah, it’s still dead, but we’ve got something better. It’s Fable! But it’s not Fable. It’s a reimagining of Fable. But it retains Fable’s charm. But legally it is different from anything Lionhead did with Fable. Anyway, here’s Fabel.”
“The Cloud is a hot topic these days and we’ve decided to pull back some of it intended for Crackdown to use for our new streaming platform. Project xCloud will let you stream any Xbox game anywhere you like, on any device. Nintendo Switch, TV, Fridge and even the PlayStation 5. But unlike Sony, we’ve actually turned up to E3 because we care. For the players? For themselves. Amirite? Fob off the PS5 and buy the Xbox One-Two or an xCloud subscription! We need your custom!”
“We’ve shown you games, clouds, despair, raw power which shows that Xbox is the place to play some games! Have a great E3 and please buy the Xbox One-Two. Please.”
Bethesda
Todd Howard takes to the stage, swinging his dick like a boa that’s been denied its food for a month.
“Sup beta testers?! Fallout was a fucking shambles, right? Haha, yeah, we thought so, but you haven’t seen anything yet. Our new Elder Scrolls game is so badly made that it’ll make you wish you could play Fallout. But hey, that’s our niche!”
“We’ve decided to knock Fallout on its head because we know you don’t like it and we’d rather spend our money elsewhere, like strippers! Hey ho! Or, somewhere like Fallout 5!”
“That’s right. Fallout 5 is coming to consoles this fall and it promises to be better than the previous Fallout game. It’s completely offline too! Fallout 5 is set in West Virginia and you’re one of the first people to leave the vault after the nuclear apocalypse. Sound familiar? That’s because we didn’t want to waste all the assets we created for Fallout 76. But, as I said, it is offline!”
“But we haven’t stopped pushing for online play. Fallout failed in part due to its ambitious scope but also because it didn’t have dragons. People like dragons and that’s why we’re here to announce Elder Scrolls: Evrywyre.”
*Pause for cheers*
“Elder Scrolls: Evrywyre invites players to an online world covering every single location from past Elder Scrolls games. The game is that big it’ll give us enough time to finish it before anyone makes it to the other side of the map. You can pre-order Elder Scrolls now and you won’t want to miss out on the limited edition which includes your very own Sword and Shield.”
“We love limited editions and DOOM Eternal is no different. The limited edition of DOOM will include a real-life chainsaw for you to cut up your innermost demons or some logs. Also bundled is a SteelBook and keyring.”
“And that’s all we’ve got time for this ye-oh, shit. We’ve got that space game coming out too. It’ll be a few years yet, though, so I wouldn’t get too excited for it. Peace out, bitches! Have a great E3!”
Ubisoft
*sound of night vision turning on*
“Haha! We knew you’d like that. We can finally confirm that Sam Fisher is back!! This unlockable outfit is available in our next Assassin’s Creed game free of charge!”
“We originally said that Assassins Creed was having a break and that did wonders for the franchise. So much so that we’re announcing two new Assassins Creed games today!! Assassins Creed: Back to the Future and Assassins Creed: Big Bang. Both games are the literal polar opposites from one another with the first set in the distant future and the second set before life itself. How did the Assassins operate when life itself was non-existent? You’ll have to wait and see.”
“Watchdogs is as leaky as a fucked up watering can so there’s no point talking about it anymore. You can play as everyone in a post-Brexit London. It sounds drab but it’s actually quite good.”
“But we know politics in video games have been a touchy subject in the past and we’re here to reassure you that our aim is to make brilliant games, not make political statements. And this couldn’t be more true for our next Tom Clancy title.”
“We have an exceptional relationship with Tom Clancy and we’re thrilled to announce a brand-new IP – Sorry, one sec… *off-mic* he’s dead?! Could you have given me the heads-up? 6 years?!! For fuck’s sake. Wait, so we get all the profits? – Sorry, a small technical hitch there, apologies. As I was saying, in our brand-new apolitical IP, you take the role of Clint, a black trans police officer whose sole purpose is to track down and kill far-right fascists plaguing America. This is still in early development so expect to see more of this in the coming months.”
“We’d initially said that Beyond Good & Evil 2 won’t be shown at E3 but we’ve got a surprise for you!”
A two-minute trailer of Beyond Good & Evil is shown and features a monkey screaming “Fuck!” at the top of its lungs for 2 minutes.
“Arr me mateys! Now be the time for pirating. Just a bit of fun.”
“Skull & Bones seems like it’s been knocking around since pirates sailed the seas. Not modern pirates with their AKs and slavery. The older ones that were equally as bad yet are somehow worshipped. Sorry! Yes. Skull & Bones is out this fall!”
“And that’s a wrap! Go play games! Have a great E3!”
Nintendo
Doug Bowser enters the stage in full Bowser cosplay.
“Look at me! I’m the real Bowser! So much fun.”
“Reggie has left behind a great legacy that I promise not to fuck up. The Switch is going from strength to strength and is arguably the best handheld/console hybrid on the market as I’m sure you’ll agree. And it’s only getting better!”
*Play two-minute montage of new games coming to the Switch.*
“As you can see there are many great titles coming to the Switch including Animal Crossing!! Animal Crossing will support online play and we’ve tried to make this as effortless as possible. All you need is a subscription to Nintendo Online, your 12-digit friend code, an Ethernet cable, a connection to a smartphone via Bluetooth, a subscription to National Geographic, one of the infinity stones and a sacrificial goat to enjoy your 10-minute online sessions. Animal crossing looks incredible, as I’m sure you’ll agree, and we know you’re going to love it!”
“Next up Pokemon Sword and Shield.”
“We showed you some of this earlier last week and as I’m sure you’ll agree, it looks incredible. What makes it great is the inspiration we’ve taken from other games on the market. Rockstar’s Red Dead Redemption 2 stepped up the realism when it comes to its wildlife technology and it’s inspired us to make a living and believable Pokemon world. But one thing stuck with us whilst playing Red Dead Redemption 2. We want to talk to you about Pikachu’s dick.”
Nintendo classically misreads the room by focusing on Rockstar’s bollock physics and follows with a 20-minute talk about the process of modelling a realistic Pikacock.
“It grows and shrinks depending on the climate and this can be felt in the force feedback of your Joy-Con. Pokemon has never felt so real.”
“Oh, it looks like that’s all we’ve got time for. Zelda is also coming out and a Metroid game too. Have a great E3!”
