Pokémon Go: A (Terrible) Guide

You’ll have noticed a bit of buzz about the newest smartphone smasher, Pokémon Go. It’s caused quite a fuss, even making mainstream news sites with headlines like ‘Man Walks Into Motorway Because Of Pokémon Go!’, a sentence that basically translates as ‘THERE ARE STILL STUPID PEOPLE AND THEY HAVE SMARTPHONES’, but that’s another problem for another blog.

Anyway, perhaps you’re new to the fluffy little terrors and seek a wise, reliable guide to help you get started. Well, that’s not me. I’ve got less idea than you, probably. But, never one to miss a bandwagon, I asked various NGB writers and readers to let me know their favourite pocket beasts in the hope of learning more about them. I’ve also included the adoptive names their new trainers gave them, mainly because some of them are funny but also because renaming Pokémon really annoys hardcore gamers for some reason.

Anyway, read on and maybe, just maybe, we can figure this out together guys.

(Don’t worry, I’m not doing all of them. We’ve got homes to go to)

Actual Name: Clefairy

Adopted Name: Quiff Beast

Trainer: Me (@jonnafang)

I used to go to this guitar shop that had a little white Terrier dog. Once they painted the shop pink, and the dog went and rubbed itself against all of the paint while it was wet so it looked like barking bubblegum. This is a bit like that. Anyway, this thing basically appears to be menacing candy-floss. All fancy presentation but could clearly snap at any minute, like a furry Patrick Bateman; I fully expect this thing’s main attack to be ‘Wait Until Your Back Is Turned Then STAB STAB’. Easily the most dangerous creature you’ll see on this list.

Actual Name: Pidgeotto

Adopted Name: Sexy Dave

Trainer: Jason Rungapadiachy (@umbunga)

A sort of fancy, punk-bird thing that’s weak against rocks, apparently. Same, mate. Renamed as Sexy Dave by reader Jason, for reasons probably best left well alone, lads.

Actual Name: Charmander

Adopted Name: Angry Baby

Trainer: Me (@jonnafang)

Some sort of fire toddler, presumably. I think this is one of the ones you can start with, which is odd seeing as it is a dragon that breathes fire. Shouldn’t you begin with an angry fly or a particularly feisty worm or something? Who lets someone start with a dragon!? Even Khaleesi had a whole season of Game of Thrones before she got her hands on such a scaly beast and she’s the mother of dragons, guys.

Actual Name: Magikarp

Adopted Name: Shit Nemo

Trainer: Rachel Ward (@temporaryscars)

Not sure how long it took Rachel to find ‘Shit Nemo’, but it seems she may have wasted her time. This thing appears to be underwater in its picture, yet is somehow still flopping around on its side like it’s on land. Batter fodder.

Actual Name: Poliwag

Adopted Name: Hypno-Twat

Trainer: Ben Ward (@winstano)

Not messing about here, NGB Editor Ben has cut to the chase with naming this thing; a creature that is presumably a result of the time Pingu tried to shag a beachball. Not actually a psychic-type Pokemon despite the swirly thing, but a water-based one. Not scared of this one at all, reckon I could take it down with a strong breeze or a mild swear word.

Actual Name: Weepinbell

Adopted Name: Fleshlight (Don’t Google it at work)

Trainer: Jacob Mason

Pity the vegan that tries to pick this for snack time. Pouty and petal-y, this is the second form of something called a Bellsprout. Looks a bit like something from Plants vs Zombies, plus has the benefit of presumably being quite stealthy because it’s a plant and not some sort of electrified hamster like the others. Devious.

Actual Name: Pikachu

Adopted Name: Lightning Hamster

Trainer: Me (@jonnafang)

Figurehead and poster-boy for this whole mess despite looking like a sort of small, fat cheetah. Apparently you can get this as a starter if you walk past the first options that appear, but who has the patience for that? Has perennially red cheeks for some reason, like it’s constantly embarrassed about being so damn cute.

Actual Name: Eevee

Adopted Name: Fox Dog Cat

Trainer: Jason Rungapadiachy (@umbunga)

The adopted name is a good summary of this one. Looks fairly earthly. Massive ears, and a badass fur cravat too, this is probably the most stylish of all the fluffy little nightmares. Aside from that, no idea what’s going on here. Looks a bit too precious to be dangerous, and probably in serious trouble if Theresa May brings back fox hunting.

Conclusion

So there you go, there’s some Pokemon for you. I’d have done more but to be honest I wrote this in about twenty minutes to try and ride the zeitgeist and get some page views. If you do want a proper guide to the game, you should check out this piece by Charles. Anyway, I’m off for a walk to catch 7 Weedles or something.